Some may argue that eavesdropping is well, a bit of a rude practice to indulge in — covertly listening to peoples’ private conversations while they obliviously yammer on. To me, it’s one of the best forms of free entertainment one can experience! I mean really, it’s available everywhere. It’s so much fun to catch snippets of random dialog. One can make up a whole story around just a couple of lines. For instance.
Yesterday, I’m in Bed, Bath & Beyond in the candle aisle wondering if I should really spend $27 on a two-wick large tumbler candle called “Wild Sea Grass” (even with my non-expiring 20 percent off coupon, it seems excessive). Maybe I should just go to the beach and get some real sea grass? Although how to properly light it on fire would be the challenge. And did you know, “Although they get little attention, sea grass meadows are one of the most productive ecosystems in the biosphere. They’re known as the “lungs of the sea” because one square meter of sea grass can generate 10 liters of oxygen every day!”
(http://ocean.si.edu/seagrass-and-seagrass-beds) I always enjoy a little education in my column. And I never knew sea grass smelled enough to have a candle scent fashioned from it. Although I think Yankee Candle makes these things up just to generate sales. No, really?
Why the ef are candles so damn expensive anyway? For the price of a fancy candle, you can fill up your gas tank. Really…it’s wax! And some perfume. Meh, I’m better off going to the bodega and getting them for a fraction of the price – and depending on the candle, maybe ward off the evil eye while I’m at it. Win, win.
So anyway, I’m in the candle aisle and a woman, who looks to be in her early 30s, wearing a sundress and UGGS (appropriate Florida winter attire), is gesticulating wildly to her companion — a meticulously dressed man in his 20s, wearing black skinny jeans, a black shirt, and sporting spiked blond hair, tipped in purple. “So,” Sundress/UGGS lady says, throwing her hands in the air, “I told him – if you think for one minute, Jenny is going to be part of the ritual, you don’t know me at all! Why would I ask her!”
Mr. Blonde Purple-Tipped was clearly appalled. “Jenny? Really? Jenny! Is the man insane?” Then both of them make the “ugh” sound really loud and move on towards the “Not Seen in Stores” gadgets area. So bad I wanted to ask them – who is Jenny? And why does she not excel at rituals? And what was the ritual? First of all, they actually used the word “ritual.” Were they Satan worshippers? I picture Jenny, a reasonably attractive, sane looking woman, who isn’t, attending a monthly Prince of Darkness Meet Up. Then, things go awry. Maybe Jenny forgets her lines at the last minute, and when everyone is yelling Hail Satan!, she panics and yells Hail Stan! Or maybe she was in charge of bringing a live chicken for the sacrifice but got stuck in traffic coming from work, couldn’t make it to the farm and had to instead buy a chicken at Publix, already dead. I could see how that might not bode well at the height of a satanic ritual, where instead of killing a chicken – you’re removing it, neatly quartered — from plastic wrap that has an “On Sale Today” sticker on it. Presentation is everything, after all. And who was the “him” Sundress/UGGS lady was referring to? The “him” that had the audacity to see if Jenny had been invited to the ritual? Sure, Jenny may suck at oratory Satan worship and poultry duty, but maybe she makes a killer strudel for after the show and “him” was looking forward, all week, to eating some! Now him’s plans are dashed. See what I mean? Endless fun.
Next scene; Starbucks. A virtual Mecca for eavesdropping. I spent a good hour at one in Boca and this is some of what I heard:
- From a woman in a tennis outfit, on the phone, in line behind me: “She can’t go two hours without a double-vodka — you really think she can make it through the party without shaking? I don’t think so!”
- A biker at the table next to me, on the phone: “I told you man, that’s how it smells. That’s what makes it good. How many times do I have to tell you — it’s not the color — it’s the smell.”
- A young mother with a baby, talking to an older woman sitting with her: “It’s not so much what he says, but what he doesn’t say. Lately, he hasn’t been talking at all.”
- Two business men, talking near the pastry case: “Clearly they’re just trying to cover their tracks but I guarantee you, they’re going to find out about Baltimore and then you’re gonna hear about an indictment.”
- A young, skinny girl on the phone waiting for her order: “I’m totally fat and I’m not going!”
So you see, concert tickets are great, going to the movies is fun, and taking trips hither, tither and yon, is always an adventure - but if you want some cheap, ongoing and always fascinating FREE entertainment – try eavesdropping. Or did you already hear me mention this?
And that’s A View From This All Ears Broad.
Anna Collins is a writer, photographer and videographer. www.AnnaCollins.com
