Viking Turkey Leg
Somebody recently asked me what my typical day was like. I’m not familiar with typical. Every day for me is different because I don’t work in an office and I never know what lies around the corner due to my various jobs, school commitments and assorted shenanigans. Personally, I always enjoy reading articles in chronological form when a writer is describing his or her daily events. So maybe you do too.
7:30 a.m. — Woke up and looked at the alarm clock – alarmed. Was it 7:30 already? Seems I just went to bed five minutes ago. Time flies when you’re sleeping. Almost literally because I was binge watching that goddamn House of Cards. “Just one more episode,” I tell myself. Next thing ya know – it’s 2:00 a.m. Then I asked myself WTF was I getting up so early for again? Oh yeah, have a photo assignment in Palm Beach County — some 5th graders are planting trees for Earth Day in a park.
9:05 a.m. – Arrive at city tree planting. Fifth graders, teachers and the city Parks and Recreation Department guys are gathered around a small buttonwood tree. The parks guys are very serious about the tree and explain how to plant it. Suddenly, it starts to pour. The parks and rec guys scurry under their truck for cover – the kids run to their bus. A few minutes later it stops pouring. Hello, Florida. I take a few more pics and meet the vice mayor. He’s from New England, like me. I could tell because he gave himself away with “We’ll plant a tree ovah they-ah.” I’m like, “Vice may-ah, it’s wicked good to meet you.” He’s like, “You too. A plehszuh.” Go Red Sox.
10:00 a.m. – Back on the road. I’m listening to a CD of John Assaraf, one of the guys that was in The Secret talk about vision boards and how to grow your business. Then he says, “We say things to ourselves like ‘It's only going to take a short while’, ‘I’ll get right back to what I was doing" or ‘This is more fun for now, I'll get to it later’. Have you ever caught yourself in this inner dialogue and behavior?” What? How does he know me so well?
Chicks
11:14 a.m. – Doris Supermarket. I decide to stop at my favorite specialty supermarket – Doris. Doris is a lot like Whole Foods in that it has gourmet foods and fine wines, but without as many self-righteous douchebags walking around. I buy a raw packaged chicken and have the butcher cut it into halves, separately packed of course, so I can cook them separately. You can buy the chicken by the half bird but it cost about a buck more per half. Having the butcher cut a whole – saves you two bucks. Isn’t that crazy? I also buy a turkey leg to roast. Every so often I get the urge to eat like a Viking. Turkey legs were on sale and it cost me about $3.23 for the leg. At the Renaissance fair they’re ten bucks each. Between the chicken and the turkey, I’m up ten bucks.
11:45 a.m. – Home. Edit my photos. Like them. Dick around on the computer for a while looking up random shit like if a certain video camera’s sensor is better than the one I currently have, followed by how long to cook a turkey leg, followed by what does my name mean. Answers: Yes. About 1 ½ to 2 hours. It means "He (God) has favored me."
12:15 p.m. – Decide I should make some food. Put the turkey leg in the oven make some brown rice to go with it. Feel smug that I’m eating semi-healthy. While everything is cooking I do some editing on the slew of videos I have lined up. Edit. Dick around. Edit. Dick around. I check on the turkey leg. It looks done but after turning the oven off I decide to leave it in there until I get back – so it’ll be nice and well done. Maybe I’ll even hold it in one hand and eat it like Sweyn Forkbeard.
2:30 p.m. – Time to go to hair appointment. Haven’t had my hair trimmed in over 6 months and look like I’ve been cutting it myself, which I have. Last time I was at my stylist’s, she had a client stand up, turn her head upside and then cut the ends of her hair straight across. When the client tossed her head back up her hair looked great. I tried this at home. It looked like I cut my hair with the Flowbee.
3:30 p.m. – At my stylist’s. She cuts my hair in 10 minutes (me sitting in the chair) and it looks great. I don’t tell her about the Flowbee incident.
4:00 p.m. – Head to ABC liquors. I need to replenish my Tito’s handcrafted vodka. Toy with also getting some pina colada mix and rum, so I can pretend I’m in the Keys. Generally, pina colada mixes are too sweet, but I’m too lazy to start an MGM production and make the drink from scratch. With the help of a rum-and-pina-colada knowledgeable sales girl, I get a new coconut flavored rum that she claims is great and cheap ($9.99) and a creamy looking pina colada mix in a big bottle ($6.99). I’m skeptical, but I am also wanting to feel like I’m in the Keys. So whatever.
4:30 p.m.– Drive to my mail center to pick up a package. Outside I see a guy smoking and wearing a “How to Pick Up Chicks” t-shirt. I take his picture and post on FB.
5:05 p.m. – Head towards home but stop at the library first to pick up a book I have on hold called, The Best Horror of the Year – Volume Six. I’m a pro at the library now. I take out books all the time. I don’t always read all of them because – who knows why – but it makes me feel good to take them out. Soon there will be no books and everything will be online. I can feel it. The checkout guy incessantly blinks his eyes, informs me I have a balance due for keeping the movie Ouiji out too long. I pay him two bucks to keep me under the $10.00 they allow you for fines before you have to pay. This expenditure brings down my chicken and turkey leg save to eight bucks.
6:00 p.m. – Back home at last. Think of all the things I should be working on. I prioritize, and decide to make a pina colada. As I suspected, the colada mix is way too sweet and the coconut flavored rum puts me over the edge with nausea. I’ll never drink it again. Total cost: $17. Minus my $8 poultry savings, puts me at a deficit of $-9.00. Damn. And I was doing so well.
6:35 p.m. – Whoa! The turkey leg! I pull it out of the oven and it’s done alright. Close to turkey jerky. I eat a few bites – it’s like eating a handbag - and mixed with the too sweet colada drink in my stomach, makes me feel really nauseous.
7:00 p.m.– Drink some club soda and work on my screenplay and various computer programs for a while. Think about watching House of Cards. But absolutely no binging! I mean it.
8:30 p.m. – Binge watch a few episodes of House of Cards. Think that the U.S. Government is probably worse than the show. (And I love my country.)
10:30 p.m .– Remember the box from the mail center. Open it up. They are Sketcher shoes with memory foam – the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn in my life. Just like the memory foam mattress – only on your feet. Sit at the computer in my jammies wearing my new shoes.
12:30 a.m. – Finished this column.
1:00 a.m.- Watch two more episodes of House of Cards. Hate myself because now because it’s really late. Figure meh, what’s one more episode?
And That’s the View from this Atypical Broad.
Anna Collins is a writer, photographer, and videographer.
