On a budget? Looking for something that’s entertaining, fun, even perhaps – sidesplitting? Well look no further – you are your own source of continuous entertainment!
You know how we all have that inner dialogue going all the time? Yes, you do. Just listen. Like right now, you might be thinking: What inner dialogue? Well, that’s it. The stuff you say to yourself in your head, but don’t externalize because it’s unnecessary or if verbalized, might get you punched in the face.
It’s amazing the stuff we talk about in our heads that we just fluff off as “normal”. For instance, as I’m writing this… there’s some douche with a LOUD leaf blower outside my window. I’m thinking:
"I wish I had a .007 gun with a silencer to just blow him away. Pun intended. But how could I live with myself afterwards, knowing I killed another human being because they were blowing leaves? Well blow this. Why don’t you pick the fucking leaves UP and put them in a trash bag or something instead of just replacing them in some other obnoxious place! This world is getting dumber every day –I hate leaf blowers! Who came up with that bright idea? Some asshole that should be forced into a room for three hours and have nothing but the sounds of leaf blowers blown into his ears REALLY loud. And no matter how hard he begs – he has to stay there. No bathroom breaks. Douchebag. Finally! He’s moving on…. Now where was I?…I’m kinda hungry…stop it! Concentrate on this column. Never mind hungry. You just ate basmati rice and raisin toast. Oo, the carb police are coming to get me! People and their stupid dieting ideas – first fat was the culprit – now it’s carbs. What’s next – water? I wonder if bottled water is real? There’s probably two guys with hose fillin’ up all the Evian bottles. Hey! Evian spelled backwards is naïve! Just what you are if you think that shit’s pure! Ha, ha. Well, maybe it is. Who cares! I gotta get this written. Mmm…I wish somebody would buy one of my new toy photographs on Etsy. I like Etsy better than eBay – goddamn rapists on eBay! Now they charge you a percentage of the shipping too! What the fuck is that all about? That place is the wild, wild, west anyway – except expensive. But I guess it’s relative – an ad in the paper would be tons more… We’re so spoiled. Okay concentrate for Christ’s sake! I should really highlight my hair this afternoon. I always feel perkier afterwards. Plus I have to practice guitar for an hour. Guitar is hard. It looks cool when you’re playing – but it takes so long to get good. It’s a good thing I have no alcohol in the house – or I’d be drinking it now."
See what I mean? Fun, right? Try it. In fact, go to Publix – because that’s AWESOME head entertainment! While you’re shopping, take note of what your “Head Talk” is commenting on.
(A few hours later…)
I’m back. Here’s the results of my last visit to Publix as I strolled down the aisles, my Head Talk providing a running, relentless narrative:
"I need to get some chicken broth. There’s no way I can eat rice unless it’s cooked in chicken broth. I love that basmati rice. It’s got some game at least – not like the plain white rice that has about as much pizazz as a Republican. And brown rice tastes like dirt. What’s that smell? Cigarettes! From this fat ass next to me! Disgusting. Why do some fat women insist on wearing spandex that’s like two sizes too small? I swear to God, I am NEVER getting fat- I don’t care what I have to do. Meth. Whatever. Being fat and smoking, perfect. And now she’s buying Pop Tarts! Ugh. Why do I give a shit! God lookit that poor butcher wearing a hairnet! How do you maintain your masculinity while wearing a hairnet? And it’s not even properly fitted on his head. Whoa. What’s this at 2:00 o’clock? A handsome guy near the pickles! I wonder if he’s gay. Why are all the best-looking guys gay? I love gay men. They’re always so well groomed. Not like some of the straight slobs I’ve dated. No gay man would ever wear a Budweiser t-shit, that’s for sure. Maybe Heineken? Naw. He’s got to be about what – 30? Too young. Like that 29-year-old that hit on me last month. That was weird. Too creepy. I would have felt like a pedafemme. Pedafemme! Good one! I gotta write that down. What am I lookin’ for? Oh, yeah. Whipped butter. I love whipped butter. So fluffy. Whipped butter. Sounds like the butter is hen-pecked by his wife. Do the other butters make fun of him? Lookit that poor bastard – whipped butter! His wife has him so whipped – Rediwip feels sorry for him! I wonder if that’s funny? I should try it. Okay…Breakstone or Publix’s brand? Some stuff you can go generic on – but other stuff no way! It ruins it. I’m kinda fussy about my butter. Oo, the Plugra’s on sale! I love that European butter – it has that good buttery taste – for several buttery dollars more. The elite butter. Only because it acutally TASTES like something. Nothing has any flavor anymore. The produce all tastes like nothing. Now I have to go to the bathroom. Not here! I’ll just hold it until I get home. I wonder if holding your pee can ruin your bladder? I need to protect my health. I’m sure it’s not good for the bladder – but another twenty minutes until I get home should be okay. Public bathrooms! Gross. Boy, Publix has lots of two for one sales. I don’t even use this stuff – but two for one! Stop it! This why you always end up spending more than you intended! I could go for a Klondike bar. What would you do for a Klondike bar? La, la, la. What would you dooooo for a Klondike bar? No! No Klondike bar! You ate enough of those biscottis from Costco this week. Why did I buy a drum full of biscottis?I have no will power. Boy are they good! I love Costco. Those chickens! De-lish! Concentrate. What else do I need? Hot sauce! Right. I have that hot sauce at home but it turned a funny color – not as bright as it used to be. It’s probably old. But how can hot sauce go bad? It’s got the shelf life of plutonium, doesn’t it? I don’t really know. Maybe because when I put it in the refrigerator it got lighter? Hmm…they always have it right on the table in rib joints – so not refrigerated. I probably shouldn’t have refrigerated it. Oh for Christ sakes! Buy another bottle of Crystal – it’s only $1.19! Alright. Already. What would you doooo for a Klondike bar?"
See? Endless hours of fun! No charge. All in your own head.
You’re probably thinking: “That was kinda funny” or “I didn’t want that rant to end” or “What Publix? I shop at Winn-Dixie.”
And That’s the Inside View from This Broad.