The Bundle of Nerves: Usually a corporate type, this traveler nervously paces around the gate area. He keeps looking out the window to see if the plane arrived yet. He'll sit down. Stand up. Make about a gazillion calls. Check the monitors. Check the window again. Life is just too nerve racking for this guy and he could easily turn into -
The Drinker: There he is - bellied up to the bar, pounding down a cold one at 9:00 a.m. like it's the most natural thing in the world. Can you say cirrhosis? Of course there's the other drinkers too; the gang of goofy guys that love hanging out at airport sports bars, screaming at the television screen for their favorite sports team. They get so carried away, they barely notice, the liquor tab at the We Have You by the Short Hairs Pub is approaching six figures. Which brings us to - It’s interesting, when you're at the airport, to observe the different types of people as they hang out waiting for their flight. After months of research and copious note-taking, I've come up with some definitive types you're most likely to find in every airport.
***A Public Grievance Announcement – Airport Food and Liquor Prices***
Who makes up the prices at airport restaurants and bars? Are these people living on Alpha Centauri? The airport is not light years away from civilization so that they have to spend millions of dollars getting the food there. I don’t want to have to choose between a round trip ticket to Rome and a cheese sandwich.
(Back to our regularly scheduled program)
The Totally Confused: This traveler's head has the mannerisms of a chicken; darting here, looking there, with a face full of questions. Where's my gate? Do I have my ticket? Is the plane on time? Do I have time to pee? Where's the restroom? Is this the right Concourse? Whoa! Is my ticket for American or Amtrak?
Cart People: Beeeep! Beeeep! Cart People coming through! The most annoying group of people at any airport. They’re either lard asses or they’re wearing stupid shoes when they know they have to walk! So now we have to jump out of the way while they get hauled around in that dumb 5 mph cart. The driver keeps that continuous maddening beep going, plus he always looks like he’s on seventeen Xanax. No wonder. Carting those fucks around all day. I’d be mainlining by noon. All the cart people stare at you with smug looks as they go by: We’re better than you. We’re cart people. Up yours, cart people. I guarantee you these are the same lard asses you see in Publix tooling around the aisles in those equally annoying motorized carts. If you’re handicapped – of course it’s perfectly fine to have assistance! – but if you can’t move your ass because you’re shoving too many Little Debbies in your pie-hole, I have no empathy for you. Walk like the rest of us Lardy McLardman.
The Dolled Up for the Trip Babe: There she is - sporting those double Chanel C's on every article of clothing imaginable. Her acrylic nails pointing conspicuously at anything she can find to point at. The Joker was the makeup artist here: foundation that's been applied with a trowel and dark lip liner that looks like she's been sucking on the exhaust pipe of a bus, and a coif that displays the softness of freshly poured asphalt. Louis Vuitton luggage is usually somewhere in sight and sunglasses the size of small satellite dishes adorn her lifted face. But she’s still flyin’ coach.
The Family: Always a joy to be around. Someone is always screaming and someone is always sleeping. Patience usually runs short when the family travels together. Harsh whispers of, "Stop it right now! I mean it! Behave or you're walking to Cleveland!" may be heard. When the family has infants or toddlers, other passengers in the waiting area are hoping they will be the lucky ones to sit next to the children. What? No! Ha! Just seeing if you’re paying attention.
The Hippie Vegan Type: Stretched out on the floor, eating grains or simply staring out into space, these folks think they're at home in their living room, only the airport carpeting is probably better. There's plenty of seats to sit on, but they'd rather camp out in their own interior Woodstock. Their consciousness is above ours; but their personal hygiene usually isn't. It's amazing they travel by plane and not by llama.
So have fun on your next trip. Getting there can be as entertaining as arriving.
And that’s the View from this Window Seat Lovin’ Broad
Anna Collins is a writer, photographer, and Realtor. www.AnnaCollinsPhotography.com