NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 2012

Okay, I know we all say we’re going to do them – keep them – really REALLY keep them. No really. This year is going to be different. You know what I’m talking about – New Year’s Resolutions.

I told myself I wasn’t going to make any this year – and then I thought of about a hundred I should actually consider giving a shot. (Striving for excellence as I do, my life is always in need of improvement – and a new Chardonnay.) But this year, I’ve decided to be more realistic, and because I’m a year older – bolder! I’ve taken the crème de la crème of my aspirations and listed them below. Feel free to borrow, augment, or simply ignore.

7 Resolutions that Could Change Your Life by Collins

1. Stay away from negative people. It’s hard enough trying to stay positive – who needs to listen to a bunch of whiners? I’ve come up with a good line to shut these naysayers up in their tracks. When the whiners start their noise – I hold up my hand and say: Halt! My religion forbids me from hearing anything negative! When they ask what that religion is – I say: The Church of Shut the Fuck Up. So far, it’s worked.

2. Call People on Their Shit – Look, sometimes it’s really obvious people are engaging in skullduggery. Like recently some guy who owed me money told me TWICE the check was in the mail. Twice. He was definitely lying – which is bad enough – but at least be creative. In the mail? Really? How cliché. How about: Well, I was going to mail your money and then at the last minute, my favorite deviant dive - Dora’s Domination Emporium had a year-end sale on the Humiliation and Bondage package and I ended up spending all my money on a Latin dominatrix with bad grammar: “You are baddest person – now taking my spanking – or no Pollo Tropical for you!”) Fair enough. But you still owe me money, douchebag.

3. Stick to Good Wine – Even if it Means Drinking Less. That damn wine with the kangaroo on the label is always on sale – but it tastes like shit. Don’t fall for it. Take care of yourself. Bad alcohol will kill you. Wine should be at least $9 a bottle to be any good. Trust me. As far as hard liquor goes – I only drink vodka – and as far as I know – there is no bad vodka.

4. Don’t Judge Yourself By How You Look in a Dressing Room Mirror. WTF is wrong with retailers? The illumination in dressing rooms rivals that of an Amtrak train headlight. Hello? Try dimming those bastards and maybe sales will go up. Dim lighting is the birthplace of delusion. Delusion is the conduit to sales. Do I really need to tell you this, retailers? And my readers…Just keep telling yourself you’re beautiful. Soon you will believe it.

5. Sometimes it’s OK to Lie. A wiser man than me (I think it was George Carlin) said, Dishonesty is the second best policy. If you have the chance to be right or kind – choose…whatever won’t make you look like a dick.

6. Just say “Hell no!” Stop being wishy-washy in 2012! Isn’t it about time? Stop doing things you don’t want to do. Like, if someone asks you:

“Would you like to go to my kid’s fourth-grade dance recital that will last about three hours with no intermission, that’s also about an hour and 45 minutes’ drive from your house?”

Or..

“Can I borrow your brand new designer white dress that you haven’t worn yet – to a wine-tasting party where they only serve red wine and the odds of spilling some are about 100%?”

Or…

“Can I fix you up with my neighbor who just got out of prison for spousal abuse?”

You know what to say.

7. Save Change. You’d be surprised how it adds up. It’s just lugging it to the bank to sort out in that ever-so-loud coin machine that practically announces to the world: I’M BROKE. Who cares? With what you saved, you’ll be able to buy some decent wine and forget allllll about those evil tellers smirking at you. Besides – what are they making – eight bucks an hour? Hello? Can I get a balance please? Yeah, My change and your financial future. Equal.

Happy New Year to All. Make it a good one.

Oh, and the new Chardonnay? Entwine. Fabulous. Entwine yourself in it – you won’t be sorry.

And That’s the View from this Resolved Broad.

Anna Collins is a standup comic and co-host of the Boomer Humor Radio Show on Talkzone.com.