Fiction
I Was A Vampire Comic

By Anna Collins

At the Neck & Fang Club: Midnight Show
The room is silent as I take the stage. My heart is pounding. An odd thought goes through my head: even if I was really funny, great in fact, I still can’t say that ‘I killed’ because the audience is already dead.  And if I suck, I can’t ‘die up here’ because I’m already dead. Comforted by this win/win situation, I take the mike.

“I’m a little new at this Vampire thing,” I begin, looking out at a sea of black capes and ashen faces,  “I think I need more practice. Like this past winter—I was in Boston trying to suck up to some old friends….(mild laughter)….and it was cold—30 below! I tried sinking my fangs into this one guy but I just ended up giving him frostbite. And then all I got was a head rush.”

Decent laughs. So far so good.

“So, I’m a single gal. But I’m trying to find a nice guy—someone I can spend oh three or four hundred years with. I hate dating though, especially as a vampire:  ‘So what’s your favorite blood type? Do you bite on the first date? Blah, blah, blah’. Then at the end of the night when they take you home, they expect to get in the coffin with you. As if! I’m old fashioned—I think you should date a guy for at least a century before you sleep with him.” 

“Then I met Vladimir. Vlad for short.  A few months ago I went to New York to look for fresh faces. I met Vlad at a Blood Tasting event in Soho. We both went crazy for an O Positive that had a distinct, fruity bouquet; apparently from some gay guy who owned a gallery. (Those artsy types always taste so good!) Vlad’s so much more interesting than a mortal. I mean, how many mortals remember the French Revolution let alone have lived through it! There’s just so many pluses dating a Vampire! Vampires aren’t afraid of long-term relationships, they’re rarely interested in arguing religion and you know you’ll never ever get bugged to go to parasailing! (laughs of agreement) And when we’re having sex he’s so cute – he always says, “Who’s your Vladdy? Who’s your Vladdy?”  And one thing I never have to worry about is him grossing me out with garlic breath!

“And isn’t that ‘shape shifting’ thing to die for! Pun intended. One minute you’re having an aorta cocktail and the next minute you’re a bat hanging upside down in a belfry. What a hoot! Personally, I think that upside down bat thing is just as good if not better, for the complexion than the Downward Facing Dog pose I did in yoga when I was alive. And I don’t have to pay $20 bucks a class to do it!

“But my favorite is the superhuman strength thing. When I was a mortal, it took me about four times a week in the gym to build enough strength to bench press 60 lbs. Last night, after I sucked his blood, I flung a guy that weighed about a buck eighty, clear across a Target parking lot. With one hand! Personal trainer my ass! I like the new fangled approach!” (Applause)

“Of course being a Vampire is not all organ music and dark castles.  I’m facing certain challenges.  Like I always have cold feet, I look horrible in pastels and I haven’t worn a bikini since the dirt nap. Still, with all the money I’m saving on tanning lotion, I’m having my fangs whitened! Yeah, it’s all about good grooming isn’t it?

“And by the way, speaking of grooming…I have some gossip. You know that famous Vampire that was sitting in Trader Vic’s sipping a piña colada? From the Warren Zevon song?  (sounds of recognition) Well, his hair was not perfect! I know the bartender there and he said that when you got up close, you could see the guy had plugs! How weird is that? Nothing is ever what you think it is.

“Okay, before I say: (in Transylvanian accent) Good Evening, here are some jokes you can take to the grave with you:

How many mortals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, three so far! *slurp*

How many vampires does it take to screw the bulb in the sunlamp?
Run!

What’s a vampires’ favorite place to live?
Great Neck, New York.

“Well that’s my act – I hope you enjoyed it. And if you didn’t – bite me!

Thank you and Gooood Eeeeevening.”

Thunderous applause.

Author Bio
Fort Lauderdale based freelance writer Anna Collins is the co-author of the best-selling parody book Women are From Bras, Men are From Penus  which appeared on Australia's bestseller list.  Her work can be seen on the web on UniqueTravelStories.com and  TheEstrogenFiles.com. As a standup comedian Collins has appeared on many national TV shows including Lifetime's Girl's Night Out and VH-1 Standup Spotlight.
She is also a private yoga teacher in and around the Broward/Miami-Dade/Palm Beach area.
Email her at: annaco@comcast.net