By Anna Collins

It seems common sense would dictate how to behave oneself whilst being an audience member for any live performance—especially one that requires sitting in a theatre seat that (presumably) one has paid good money for. At the very least, keeping bodily noises to a minimum and refraining from talking to your neighbor or on a cell phone while the performance is in progress should be de rigeur.

Alas! Common sense is not common. I actually heard this coming from someone talking on a cell phone during a performance: “I can’t hear you Linda—this stupid actor is talking too loud!”

And how many times have you been enjoying a performance, when just at the crucial point as the actor is getting ready to sing, cry, laugh, dance or die, some inconsiderate troglodyte blows their nose like a fog horn from a lost ship. Isn’t it amazing how some people think this is appropriate behavior in a public place?

The list goes on: unruly children, food smugglers, late comers, early leavers, purse rummagers, and the ultra annoying too much perfume and or cologne-wearing people (a personal peeve).

I’ve interviewed many of my fellow theater-goers, the result of which is a handy list of:

Ten Tips to Make Everyone’s Experience at the Theatre more Pleasurable and Fulfilling:
1. Get there on time. Nothing is more annoying than having latecomers start shuffling in front of you trying to get to their seats while doing that, “Excuse, me, excuse me,” butt dance in front of your face.

2. If you must flaunt an artificial odor in the hopes that it will impress people or somehow make you more appealing—don’t overdose. People are sensitive and even allergic to scents. Hint: Remember what Mom or your gay uncle told you back in high school? You’re supposed to spray the perfume into the air and then gently walk into it, not swan dive into a vat.

3. Opening candy bars or bon-bons during the performance doesn’t sound like opening candy bars or bon-bons—it sounds like bushwhacking through the Outback with a four-foot machete. Loud. No do.

4. Refrain from rummaging through bags while the show is on. What is so important that you need it now? Unless you need your asthma inhaler or oxygen tank, sit still!  (And even then, get them out ahead of time.)

5. Extreme hairstyles should be verboten. Nobody wants to be sitting behind Marge Simpson or Don King. Ditto for a hat. Unless you’re the Pope, take the hat off and stay a while.

6. If it’s a musical, don’t sing along. Just don’t.

7. Keep the arm bling in check. The orchestra already has cymbals and a tambourine.

8. We all love children, but don’t bring your child, their child, any child that doesn’t know how to behave and sit quietly. There’s a place for children like that—it’s called at home with the babysitter.

9. If you’re going to be swigging liquor from a hidden flask–bring enough to share.

10.  Leaving the theatre early to beat the traffic is so inconsiderate and distracting while other people are still enjoying the show. You couldn’t wait to get out for the evening—now you can’t wait to get home! Live in the moment, Grasshopper. So it takes you a few more minutes to get home—who cares? Besides it’s fun to linger. You can watch all the people file out in front of you and mentally make fun of what they’re wearing.