By Anna Collins

So if you haven’t put the noose around your neck because you didn’t have a date for New Year’s Eve, relax – you have yet another opportunity – Valentines’ Day. Oh the joy – smooching couples, overpriced candy and rushing to Publix (or the guy at the traffic light) to get flowers at the last minute. What a treat!

Oh, I’m just kidding. Let’s not harp on the negative – oh dear. Harps! Harps play love songs, usually in that arpeggiated style when cupid is about to shoot his fateful arrow. Some of us get shot right through the heart, some in the butt, and some, quite obviously, in the brain. That’s when we completely lose our senses and do things like wait for hours by the phone for ‘the call’, check the e-mail every 10 seconds, drink and dial, drink and text, drink and drive-by, drink and drink. Ah love – like luck, it does not like to be chased, but ironically, when it finally finds you, there’s no escape.

And love takes many forms. Relationships have a plethora of themes – as diverse as the people involved in them. So take heart, if you haven’t found your soul mate yet, there’s always the movies, where love reigns supreme, extreme and forever more.

Here are some of my favorite movie couples, along with what they can teach us about reel-life love:

Morticia and Gomez Addams
The Addams Family, 1991, Anjelica Huston and Raul Julia
From TV to the silver screen, you knew these two were always doing it, although how Gomez ever got Moticia’s dress off still remains a mystery. Gomez’s famous line, “Tish, I love it when you speak French!” became a synonym for foreplay. That’s all Morticia had to do – one vous lez vous and she was on her way to the garden of ghastly delights. She even wore the same dress every day – and still got a little sumpin’ sumpin’. No trips to Vicky’s Secret, no having to get some dumb ass maid’s costume and a feather duster from the Hustler store – just uttering a few foreign words was enough. And this ghoulish duo really did believe in ‘till death do us part. (Note: The rumor that Morticia enjoyed the manual dexterity of Thing when Gomez was worn out is strictly hearsay.)
Love lesson: Contrary to what your mother told you, you can wear just black and find a man who loves you.

Loretta Castorini and Ronny Cammareri
Moonstruck, 1987, Cher and Nicolas Cage
The backdrop of this beautiful fairy tale is a luminous full moon that seems to take everyone in its path under its spell. In the far away exotic land of Brooklyn, Loretta, who’s engaged to one brother, Johnny, falls in love with the other brother, Ronny. But you really can’t blame Loretta since Johnny is a 40-something mama’s boy who runs off to Sicily every time his mother has to blow her nose. Okay, he’s Italian, so you have to cut him some slack in the mama arena, but even still, he exceeds the slack-cut. In his absence, Loretta meets Johnny’s one-handed baker brother Ronny, and they fall madly in lust. But they have to sneak around, obviously, since Loretta is engaged to Johnny. Madone!  At one point, Loretta, after a hot hook-up with Ronny, feels guilty and tells him they have to cease and desist their affair.  Loretta slaps Ronny across the face and yells at him to “Snap out of it!” Of course, he doesn’t, and neither does Loretta. Eventually Johnny comes marching home again and there’s a big Italian confrontation with yelling, screaming, and making up –all with a pot of sauce simmering on the stove. After the dust settles, true love triumphs and Loretta and Ronny are together and looking forward to years of Italian wedded bliss with lots of yelling, screaming, and making up –all with a pot of sauce simmering on the stove.
Love lesson: If a guy chooses his mother over you – find another guy, even if it’s his brother.

Count Dracula and Lucy Seward
Dracula, 1979, Frank Langella and Kate Nelligan
Three words for Count Vladimir Von Dracula – dead and hot! First of all, Frank Langella as the neck-biting, sex-oozing, undead hottie is the epitome of vampiric allure, giving definitive meaning to the phrase “Who’s your Vladdy?”  That thick black hair, that creamy skin, that sensuous mouth waiting to suck the life out of you – and he’s a night person – with money. Now, were I Lucy, who would I choose as my amour? My current boyfriend, Jonathan Harker, a guy with diminutive incisors, whose best claim to fame is that he’s a lawyer (get the barf bag) or the seductive, charming and velvety smooth Transylvanian count who’s ready for quality time in a double wide coffin every day at sunrise? Yeah, okay he’s dead and he killed her best friend, but nobody’s perfect. And this Dracula is a soulful, sensual romanticist – the chemistry he and Lucy share is enough to wake the dead.  Lucy and Drac fall madly, deeply and without reservation for each other. The best scene of the whole movie is when Dracula is invited to dinner and he and Lucy are in her parlor listening to music on the victrola, when Lucy asks him to dance. The ensuing pas de duex is one of the sexiest, most romantic scenes you’ll ever see in a Dracula movie. Those were the days – when women were women and men were vampires.
Love lesson: Just because someone can’t take you to sunny a Caribbean island, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give him a chance. There’s plenty of fun to be had when the sun goes down.

Phil Connors and Rita
Groundhog Day, 1993, Andie McDowall and Bill Murray
Wouldn’t it be great to be able to have the time to mold yourself into exactly what the object of your desire wants? When arrogant weatherman Phil Connors starts falling for his sexy producer, Rita, he finds that seducing her is not so easy. Lucky for him, he and his crew have come to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania for a story on Groundhog Day that just happens to land him in a bizarre time warp, that only he is aware of. Phil keeps waking up and reliving the same day over and over again. Taking advantage of his time instead of killing himself, Phil becomes a pianist, an expert in French poetry, a humanitarian and then memorizes all the things his potential amour loves – what she drinks, what books she likes, etc. How romantic - to have a man stuck in a heinous time warp and have him think of ways to please you instead of taking a revolver to his head. The most touching scene of the movie is when Phil and Rita sleep together with their clothes on and Phil realizes that he really loves Rita as a person and could actually be happy not taking her clothes off. Remember when that happened to you? Neither do I.
Love lesson: Take advantage of your time to better yourself. And then pretend it all comes naturally.

But wait! There’s more!

Here’s a bonus list of other fabulously romantic movie couples that I can’t describe as deeply as the aforementioned because I am dangerously close to exceeding my word count, so you’ll just have to trust me on these:

Armand and Albert Goldman
The Bird Cage, 1996, Robin Williams and Nathan Lane
Oh, the trials and tribulations of being, married, gay and doting parents. Fun, fabulous and shot in Miami.

Dr. Stephen Flemming and Anna Barton
Damage, 1992, Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche
Obsessive, ultra hot and damagingly taboo.

Deanie Loomis and Bud Stamper
Splendor in the Grass, 1961, starting Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty
Love makes you crazy. Really.

Anna Scott and William Thacker
Notting Hill, 1999,  Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant
You never know who you’ll fall in love with.

Allie Hamilton and Noah Calhoun
The Notebook, 2004, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling
The ultimate chick flick. Every woman’s dream: a man who loves and adores her unconditionally no matter what.

Vincent Mancini and Mary Corleone
The Godfather Part III, 1990, Andy Garcia and Sophia Coppola
Watching Vinnie get behind Mary to help her make pasta is something you’ll never see on Food Network.

Oscar Hopkins and Lucinda Leplastrier
Oscar and Lucinda, 1997, Cate Blanchett and Ralph Fiennes
As the tag line reads: A dream. A lie. A wager. Love.