Anna Collins

A View from a Broad
Hurricane Preparedness

By Anna Collins

It’s that time of year again – time to stock up on flashlights, umpteen boxes of “D” batteries (and a few “Cs” for those “lonely” nights), time to restrain yourself from telling hack B.J. jokes, and most importantly, time to stock the liquor cabinet. 

God, I hate that part of living in Florida. But hurricanes are the tradeoff we all pay for the advantages of living in the Sunshine State; beautiful beaches, café con leche served at the local Shell station and being able to wear a tube top in January, to name a few.

Whining won’t make getting prepared for a disaster any easier, but wine will, so let’s get down to business. As usual, I will offer one of my easy-to-follow lists.

Anna’s Hurricane Preparedness List

Stuff You’ll Need

Batteries and Flashlights: Chances are you have 700 batteries and 12 flashlights left over from last year, but darn! If only you could remember where you put them. So buy some more and be sure and go to Loew’s or Home Depot at the last minute to get them so you can have the full “annoying hurricane chore” effect of waiting in line for two hours behind the guy with the 800 pieces of plywood and duct tape, who has no I.D. and will be writing a check from the bank of Gwamba for his purchases.

A battery powered television:  Not for the weather – you already know it sucks outside – but you’re certainly not going to miss General Hospital because of a stupid Cat 5, are you?

A Surfboard:  In case there’s a storm surge, you may as well take advantage of it. Nothing like catching that perfect wave – off the roof of your house.

Prescription Drugs: For those of you who got stuck with certain relatives or neighbors and may again, I cannot stress how important the use of prescription drugs can be to get you back to your “happy, tolerant place”.

Extra phone batteries: See next item.

Important Documents:   Keep’em in a zip lock and know where they are. When your wife-beater-tee-wearing-empty-whiskey-bottle-holding ex comes banging on your door because his doublewide got blown away and you call the police because you were smart enough to keep extra phone batteries - you don’t want to be a dumbass scrambling around looking for that restraining order when they arrive.

Clean underwear:  Let me not have to explain this one, people. You never know whom you’ll meet when the ‘lectricity goes out and everybody has to empty his or her freezers for the big community gas grill, BBQ shindig, drunk fest.  “Hurricane Love” could be just around the corner. (Hint: Guys, don’t even think of wearing, “I was Blown by Wilma” undies, unless your last name is Flintstone.)

Essential Beverages and Food

Beverages: Anything alcoholic. All hard liquors, cognacs, wines, beers, aperitifs, liqueurs, Robitussin and Nyquil.

And what’s that other liquid thing people keep constantly harping at you to have? Ummm…Oh yeah —

Water: Get some water.

Food: Chips, cheez-whiz, Cheez-its, M&Ms (peanuts and plain),
Little Debbie anythings, those round Ferrero Rocher Hazelnut Chocolates that pretend to be high class, but you can get at Walgreen’s and Publix, and some spicy Slim Jims just for good measure. Hint: SJs are awesome with Nyquil. It is an acquired taste, however.

I know, you’re saying, “Oh, Anna, everyone knows to bring all that. It’s a given.”

You’re right, I just didn’t want you to panic and buy healthy crap when you couldn’t remember the list. This way it’s written down.

Remember:  Refrain from purchasing any health foods like granola bars, flax seeds or mung bean nuggets. They have no bartering power. If food starts to run out, a fresh bag of Cheetos, Fritos, Cape Cod Chips or Ding-Dongs have clout. One guy in my building actually got laid for a large Baby Ruth bar. I’m not sayin’ it’s right – but I understand.

No one’s interested in fat grams, calories or cholesterol levels when we could all perish at any moment. Hedonism and bad nutrition are de riguer. For cripe’s sake, a hurricane is probably one of the few times you can eat like a stoner and not have the Whole Foods groupies on your back. And believe me, I’ve seen a few of those wheat-grass swigging humps chomping on a Milky Way and washing it down with a Mountain Dew during the last storm.  So rock on.

Where to Stay if You Have to Evacuate

My first choice would be the Ritz, in Paris, but it’s so hard to get reservations on short notice.

Hotels and motels: When it’s time to go, don’t wait until the last minute to evacuate. I’m telling you, all the good hotels and motels – Motel 8, Knight’s Inn, and La Quinta - which translated, actually means behind Denny’s - will be taken. Make a reservation somewhere just in case, ‘cause if you don’t, you’re going to want to gouge out your own eyeballs if you have to stay in a shelter. Have you ever seen the Feng Shui in a shelter? Yikes. Your Chi will be all over the place.

Friends: If you’re staying with friends, make sure they’re good, solid friends. Preferably ones with sinus conditions that have trouble breathing. Nothing kills a friendship quicker than the aroma produced by the lack of a daily shower. As my dear Grandma Collins used to say: “After three days, fish and company start to stink. Goddammit.” She should know – she was European.

Your car:  Provided it’s in another state.

That about covers it.  Take care during this June to November weather watch. May you all stay high and dry, my dear readers. And I mean that, literally and figuratively.

And that’s the view from this broad.