Time. Where does it go? Five minutes ago, it was 1985. In 1985, I dated a guy that looked just like film star, Bradley Cooper. Now most of the guys in my age group look like another star, Fred Mertz.
I’m trying to make time to do all the things I want to do and have realized to accomplish this, I need to become a vampire. I don’t need Botox – I need everlasting life. I will gladly give up the sun for a hundred lifetimes. Then, as a vampire, I would move to Long Neck, NY, which seems the most obvious place for a vampire to live. I would have a really nice castle-ish home. Maybe a tudor. Then I’d get a tutor, to teach me French so I can finally go to Paris and photograph the Eiffel Tower at night. I would say the vampirish cliché Good Evening, to people I meet (but in the French Bonsoir) right before I tear out their jugulars. Manners, you know.
Meh, but I know me. I’d get sick of the darkness soon enough and then end up saying, “Oh just one minute in the sun won’t hurt!” Next thing I would have a head made of ashes.
But really, doesn’t it just seem since January 1, the months have gone by in a whoosh? The problem is – the world offers too many options. I don’t get people that say they are bored. Wha? How can you be bored? Christ, even going to a Whole Foods and sitting there for five minutes watching the parade of patrons come and go is enough to keep anybody’s mouth in the "O" shape. Speaking of Whole Paycheck – I never see the people that shop in there – in real life. I’ve lived in Fort Lauderdale over 15 years and have shopped at WF for oh, 12 years. Never once saw a person I saw in WF anywhere else but there. Know why? I think it’s an alien nation. Aliens are gearing up to take over the world through health food stores. Think about it. Have you EVER seen any of those people you see in health food stores at a gas station, or at the post office? No. Because they go back to their spaceships, that’s why. They go back to the mothership and eat Reggiano parmesan cheese that costs $300 a wedge and plot the takeover of Earth. I say, good luck . Maybe you can solve the freaking health care issues and find the Malaysian plane.
Okay, I can’t digress here because I can’t screw around as I must get this column in tonight. So, I have some tips on time management. Here they are:
- Put everything you need to do on a calendar. Hard copy, Google, whatever. Write it all in some calendar so you don’t forget.
- Make yourself a note to look at the calendar.
- Do the hardest things first. Get out of bed.
- Keep world clocks in your home, so you never miss a happy hour. This way if anybody asks why you’re drinking at 11 a.m., look at them disdainfully and say, “You’re so plebian. Everyone knows it’s 7 p.m. in Sri Lanka. Get a global life!”
- Keep in touch with friends through social networking. Sweet, because you don’t have to actually see your friends – it’s social networking. It gives one the illusion of human contact and interaction with other humans without actually having to have real contact or interaction with them. (Read: No need for hand sanitizer.)
- Wear Swiffer pads on your feet. Whenever you’re home, pop these babies on your gams and clean the floor while you dick around walking through your house, wondering what to do next. Real time saver! (Unfortunately, does not work for carpeting.)
- Make food and store it for future meals. Microwave the big tub of Bob Evans mac and cheese (that counts as cooking). Divvy up in Glad containers, freeze and voila! Food for a week.
- Be Here Now. Don’t waste time living in the Past or the Future. Neither exist, and who can plan a wardrobe for that anyway?
- Don’t waste time making a list of ten things that save time if you can only think of nine.
Okay, I gotta get back to my life now (Netflix). Time’s a wastin’. Remember, “Git while the gitting’s good.” (Hint: It’s good now.)
And That’s the View from this Timely Broad.
Anna Collins is a writer and photographer.
