I was recently having a conversation with a friend about how outlandish women’s fashion can be. In modern society, just about anything goes – on anyone – whether it fits them or they look good in it or not. Not a problem. Apparently it’s acceptable to wear something three sizes too small that, with one more reaching to the fries, could explode the garment at its seams, freeing an avalanche of cellulite on any hapless bystander.
Stability in current fashion also puts one at risk. And I don’t mean mental stability, though certainly that comes into play. You never know when someone may hit the dirt toppling over in stilettos so high they would give an angel a nosebleed. Or consider the lodging of that pencil thin heel in a sidewalk crack as the body lurches forward, but the foot stays behind.
Some fashions of a by-gone era, admittedly looked great. Like the 1960s Madmen days of women wearing form-fitting dresses coordinated with hats and gloves. And before that, the 1950s garters with stockings that had seams in the back which constantly needed attending to be kept straight. As good as that looked, it did kind of suck in that it was a tad oppressive. I don’t know if you’ve ever worn garters in real life (or still do) but they’re not comfortable. They constantly jab you in the thigh, making hideous little dents in your leg fat. I remember being in the eighth grade and wearing a girdle with garters attached to it. We thought that it was – are you ready? – hot. Of course we didn’t call it “hot” then – we called it really cool. (And while we’re on the subject, why must everything of value always be expressed as a temperature extreme?) Again, a girdle! Some people don’t even know what the shiz that iz. Think of it as a torture device – only not as comfortable.
I asked my friend Ramona Jean Parker, from the great state of West Virginia, what she thought were some of the most bizarre women’s clothing during the course of fashion history. She’s from the American South so they’ve had their share of weird fashion what with hoop skirts and crinolines. Who came up with hoops? “Excuse me, honey chile – I’d like to put a round cage the size of Texas under my skirt that will preclude me from walking, sitting or standing comfortably.” Crinolines? “Yes, I’m longing for some noisy, scratchy, stiff fabric under my skirt so thoughts of suicide will surface 10 seconds after it’s on me. Much obliged.”
And along those lines…
“What was the name of that dress that made you look like the broad side of a barn?” Ramona drawled. “The dress you always picture Marie Antoinette in – with her head still on, of course.”
Turns out that dress is called a “pannier” (pronounced pan-yer). Actually, a pannier was originally a large basket used to transport goods. But during the 1700s, upper-class European women wanted to show off their luxurious fabrics to the fullest – literally – so they wore frameworks of cane or whalebone under their skirts to give that mile wide appearance. You could have shoplifted a widescreen under one of those mothers. But they hadn’t been invented yet, so no one was arrested. However, small farm animals could easily be smuggled. “Excuse me Madam, your skirt is bleating.”
Then there was the bustle. Ramona, being a proper southern belle, knew this one. “I think the bustle was kind of awesome. You could actually have a big fat ass and still be the height of fashion!”
No doubt. The bustle was all about that bass. From pannier to bustle – fashion took women from not being able to negotiate a doorway to not being able to negotiate a chair. The bustle was a padded piece at the back of skirts and dresses, usually accented by a cinched, corseted waist. It was considered a highly desirable look. Little in the middle but she got much back. Things don’t really change, do they?
Then there was a phrase I loved since the day I heard it: Merry widow. I pictured some Edwardian-era chick putting small doses of arsenic in her oppressive husband’s nightly milk until one night he finally kicked, tongue out, and sleeping cap askew. This I thought, made the widow merry, after which she smiled and exclaimed: “That’s the end of my 24-inch-cinched waist, mofo! I’m getting me some pie!”
But of course, that wasn’t the case. A merry widow is a wide-brimmed elaborately festooned hat worn during the Edwardian Era (1901-1910). It is named after the operetta of the same name by Franz Lehar. Interestingly, the term also refers to a short corset with garters (those again!) and a strapless bra.
Why, oh why, couldn’t the comfy, versatile, and easy to wear sweat pants and sneakers not be the height of enduring haute couture for women? No reason! I now declare it is.
And that’s the View from the Fashion Fearward Broad.
Anna Collins is a writer, videographer and photographer.
